Sunday, April 29, 2012
We're Going To Make It After All.
I spent a lot of the last week or so knowing that if I rested for a second, thought hard for a millisecond, I might start bawling at anytime. It was definitely the most emotional week I think I've ever had with Scarlet. There were heartbreaking moments by the day. No, more than that. Heartbreaking moments multiple times a day.
Like the time she wouldn't let me leave her at school and clung to my legs yelling, "Don't leave me!"
Like the time my mom and I found an embedded tick in her hair and my mom held her facedown while I worked like a surgeon to get it out. She started to freak, really freak, and I heard these muffled animalistic screams from my daughter. I almost lost it there. Somehow we got her through it and got that you-know-what tick out and she got two jellybeans and was better for it in the end. I wasn't!
Like the time my mom left after a three day visit and Scarlet sobbed and kicked the screen door as loudly as she could and cried, "Bring her back! I don't want she to go!!" That wasn't a typo. That's her toddler grammar at its finest.
Then there was the time we went to pick her up from school. She hadn't seen my mom in a few months and my mom came with me. She was playing outside and looked over at the car and then shrieked in glee and ran to my mom with her arms outstretched. Only, there was a fence in the way and both of them were desperate to get to each other. It was rather awesome. Emotional in a good way..
...except that the teacher pulled me aside after that and told me that Scarlet had woken up from her afternoon nap and just started streaming tears from her eyes while sitting on the toilet. And the teacher hugged her but no one could comfort her. I think four teachers and the director all tried. The thought of my little girl, eyes streaming at school without me, well that's enough to make my eyes stream as I type at this computer!
There were also countless tantrums - terrible ones - the kind you don't think you'll see until they're 13. I think there was even one slammed door but at least there was no, "I hate you!" or "You don't understand me at all!"
Sheesh, though. How much can my poor, dainty heart take? It's hard to know what caused such a week. I mean, it could be normal two going on three stuff. It could be normal two going on three stuff mixed with the sudden loss of her father and her inability to understand that he's coming back. It could be normal two going on three stuff mixed with the sudden loss of her father and her inability to understand that he's coming back AS WELL as my ever-growing stomach and people's attention on the baby. Could be one or two of those things. Could be all three! Could be something else and we're missing the mark entirely! Who can tell?
I've decided to use the father thing as an explanation because at least that is something that will be fixed very soon..as in...an hour or two from now! (but who's counting??) I can't get un-pregnant. I can't change her age and development.
I can't even bring her father home on my own. But he can! He is en route to us as we speak. Oh, happy day.
I'm so happy I can't stand it. I just hope things get better. I think his return may even make school drop-offs better. It took all I had not to scoop her up and run out of there every time she balked at me leaving her. I think his return may even make bedtimes better because she is most happy when we're both together with her. It's just so complete. You should see the smiles as she looks from one of us to the other on weekends. She even vocalizes it. "Mama...and Dada. Together." Seriously.
It was one of the most selfish-seeming weeks of my life. I know I was a 31-32 weeks pregnant mother doing it alone, and I have nothing to explain to anyone, but it still felt strange going off the grid a bit. I wasn't on Facebook for a few days. My emails got so backed up, I was suffocating under the things I had meant to respond to up to five days earlier. I did take phone calls and I did meet social engagements, but only if they were from people who really just wanted to see me. No ulterior motives. Didn't need a thing from me, except to see me. Not Scarlet, mind you. Me. No work. No energy.
Simple dinners. Play dates. Park outings. Late night talks. And mostly, times alone with Scarlet. How much longer do I have of that? And she actually said to me, "Just me and you today, Mama." So I honored that, of course. How couldn't I??
And then I didn't feel so selfish after all.