I've been counting time all day today. It's just been that kind of day.
Two weeks ago today, things changed for me. You may have noticed that I've had a terrible two weeks, either by lack of contact or even in my writing. It started two weeks ago this morning. I was so stressed that morning, taking my one hour glucose screening. While waiting in the waiting room for my blood draw, motionless and queasy, I got news on my phone that made my blood boil. Literally. So my blood sugars boiled with it and that's why I believe I failed my glucose screening cause...daaaamn...I have pretty excellent blood sugar levels. Seriously. They're awesome. Anyway, I can't go into detail here because I'm not allowed but let's just say that when someone hurts someone you love a lot, you may wish physical or emotional harm on them. I often do but at an even 105 pounds when not pregnant, with a completely non-confrontational demeanor, I don't often act on these impulses. I just think about them and let my blood, and my blood sugars, boil, boil, boil.
So there was that.
I got the bad doctor call two days later while I was at an inspiring meeting. I had to slip out and let tears burn my eyes, because I had known I had failed and I didn't want to fail. I declined further testing - the three hour glucose test from hell and made an appointment to see a nutritionist instead. Seriously. This is my body. If someone tells you to fast for 15 hours and swallow ounces of sugar and food colorings, sometimes you have to say no. I said no.
Then there was that Sunday, a day I spent outside all day. That's when I lost my voice and my allergies turned into a cold turned into a sinus infection. It was a big old mess. For a long time. Finally today I got the diagnosis that I had a legit infection. I always thought sinus infections were made up by people who have bad colds and want antibiotics to treat them! Nope! They're real and they're awful. I got out of my appointment and got a call regarding the blood boiling issue I am not to speak about. It seems that issue got its resolution too. Today, of all days. Same time I found out I had a treatable infection.
I have been to CVS more times in the last two weeks than in the last two years. Not good.
I've been relating the two, whether it's silly or not. There are so many things in this world we do not have control over, and when you lose your control over your health or your right to feel safe and happy in this world, that can be about as bad as it can get. This is all small potatoes, I recognize. I have a treatable infection. The person I love is dealing with something that can be worse. Still I have followed this two week arc of ups and downs and related the two. Today, we put them to rest.
Today I took the control I knew I had. So did the person I love. It's too early to call it, but I know we both won.
I woke up this morning realizing it was five years ago today that I left Jersey forever. It's such a strange experience spending your life knowing you're not meant to be where you've been...being. I call it a "Geography Crisis." I used to play M.A.S.H. when I was really young - that paper game that uses numbers to determine from your five hand-picked selections from each - who you will marry, what you will do for a living, where you will live. We used to do that on planes to pass the time. I was a bit wrong. I always said I'd marry John Stamos or Michael Jackson. However my career and location fields were always spot on. I used to say I wanted to be a writer or photographer and the other three fields changed as time went on. I used to say I wanted to live in California, Massachusetts, Colorado, Vermont and Maine. Well, hey. Not too shabby for a five-year-old!
Today should be a day of celebration in so many ways but I haven't treated it as such yet. I think instead of the hard transition of moving 3,000 miles back and forth, and the people I have left behind and hurt in my wake. I think of the anxiety I suffered from moving twice, but the truth is, I have an anxiety disorder and my actions and reactions sometimes fall under that dark excuse. Aloof, distant, rude, unfeeling, anxious, angry, lonely sometimes? Well yeah, that's my anxiety disorder.
So I'm making a conscious choice to put all of the bad feelings to rest. It was a sucky two weeks. It was a challenging at times five years. But the joy, the pure joy and the people I've met. Look at that. It's big and it's beautiful and it's mine. It's my life. So I move on up. I put away the bad feelings. I celebrate the beauty of today. Cause it's a good day.
Calls for some Elton John:
"Until you've seen this trash can dream come true,
You stand at the edge, while people run you through.
And I thank the Lord, there's people out there like you,
I thank the Lord there's people out there like you."